War of Wits

If I have to think about the overall theme of this relationship I’d have to say its honest communication. I enjoy not having to mull over my every thought and just speak from the heart because trust has been established. It’s a pleasure to share information that may or may not pertain to the other but is always received with appreciation.

The downside of open communication, if there is one, is that sometimes the truth hurts. And if here was a second theme in this relationship, that would be it. There’s a lot of jokes that get tossed around, but sometimes the jokes have an extra jab attached to it that would make me take a few steps back. It could be a slip of the tongue calling me out my name or a wrestle session that seems more real than fun.

My banter is not as sophisticated or quick. Only when my mood is playful which is every so often, compared to his almost daily dose of humor and quick-witted observations. I’m slow, methodical, thinking. He’s fast, reactionary, feeling. I often feel outwitted and he knows it. He can go on for hours while I enjoy in amazement the way his mind works, yet I hate it when I’m the butt of his mean jokes, because I can’t respond in kind.

I guess I’m the kid who would stop playing the game if I knew I was losing. That’s what this feels like. He shuts me down without intending to do so. I’d get angry because I didn’t have a better comeback or at least none I had the courage to say because they were too mean. So I retreat, too stubborn to wave the white flag, I’d wage a silent war. No more talking until I’m ready. Yes, this was a wack tactic. It’s immature and dumb. I just need to say what I need to say and be done with it. I know.

The silent war would go on for days, sometimes I believe he didn’t even know why it was happening. I didn’t have the voice to tell him because it would show my weakness. It was my insecurity that mentally I wasn’t as agile as he. That he could run rings around my thinking process while I’m still thinking of a good comeback for the first insult 10 minutes later. I get frustrated easily. One of the kinks in my armor is exposed.

I began to observe and take in his style. How does he do that? What makes him think so thoroughly, logically, observe so keenly that he can analyze a situation, pull it apart , piece it back together and explain it so a 5-year-old will get it in a matter of seconds. That’s so sexy. I can’t compete.

But there would be this underlying hint of cruelty to some jokes that made me feel like, Hey, why would you go there?  But maybe its me, I can say that maybe there is hidden anger that finds its way out in aggressively offensive “jokes”. On the other hand I can look at myself and say have a better comeback and stop acting wimpy you thinned skin chick. Either way, I have a weakness to address that would have otherwise went unnoticed if my sensitive nature continued to go unchallenged. Another point for nature for making me better in areas where I’m weak.

Something’s Amiss

There’s a nagging voice in my head that doesn’t speak with words, it speaks through feeling. It’s been saying things that I want to dismiss as nonsense, but I know better than to deny my inner wisdom the platform to speak its mind. This relationship has its share of conflicts, disagreements and hurt feelings. Show me a relationship that doesn’t and I’ll show you a relationship that is full of secrets and lies.

What I’m learning is that the way you fight as a couple can determine the success of your relationship. It also says a lot about you and how you approach difficult situations in life. These are all interesting insights for me. While our fights have mainly been alcohol induced arguments on date nights, for the most part we’ve been able to recover unscathed. I try to stay conscious about what I say because my overly sensitive nature knows the pain reckless words can cause. I’m quick to walk away for a cooling period while my partner seems hell-bent on keeping things going.

 …the way you fight as a couple can determine the success of your relationship

 I hate confrontations. I’m an avoider. I know this about myself and I guess the reason I don’t like them is because how hurtful and hateful words are if you let yourself go there. I don’t want to be the giver or recipient of such words. I find it hard to forgive and forget, so I try to avoid those situations if I can. What I’ve come to discover is that in a relationship you can’t control what comes out the mouth of others no matter how you treat them. Do unto others as you would have done to you don’t really apply in these situations. Am I overly sensitive, absolutely!  So handling confrontation is what I’m learning this time around.

 …you can’t control what comes out the mouth of others no matter how you treat them

 Too often though, our arguments ended with his threat to leave. To pack up and go to his safe space which will remain undisclosed for now. It was a conclusion that just didn’t seem proportioned to the argument at hand. After a while, when someone threatens to leave many times you begin to believe they want out at any cost. It comes up too often, too easily. It sits at the tip of his tongue waiting for the right opportunity to fling its nasty little threat my way. It’s an easy out during a fight. It’s during these times I get quiet and begin watching. No need to fuel the fire because a person determined on burning down the house will fan the flames at the first sign of smoke.

 a person determined on burning down the house will fan the flames at the first sign of smoke

 It’s a red flag; the first of several. My little voice says tread carefully and keep your eyes open.  Take care to guard yourself against a surprising turn of events, now that the verbal missile is launched, the grounds are shaky. My rational mind responds; stop reading so deep into this. It was the heat of the moment and what’s the end result? He’s still here. So let it go. The problem is, what’s said can’t be unsaid. Why’d he say that? I retreat to my lady cave and lick my wounds for days. I gotta get over this and not take it so personal, but it is personal. Why’d he say that?

Negotiating our differences

My dude holds an unconventional work schedule. It’s been working for us because I run my freelance business out of the home and his days off are during the week. So it gives us time to catch up on private time, just us two. Sometimes we make plans to spend a day being productive, or having fun or just doing nothing at all. Whatever we decide to do, we are together and for the most part it’s usually quite enjoyable.

During the act of merging two lives into one, there is a long negotiation process that happens with or without your consent if you’re not conscious of it. The talks you have when you’re alone with your counterpart are tools you are putting on the table for this merging process to happen. The information you get is what you use to decide how you both will operate within the relationship. It’s important that you share equally and openly so that your position is fully represented during this process. This is very valuable stuff. It must happen at some point or you will be navigating unknown waters for a long time. Without real intimate conversations about where you’ve both been you’ll always be taken by surprise by a reaction or a comment or a decision that would seemingly come out of nowhere. The relationship can feel off-center and there will always be a mysterious quality that after a while will be unsettling.

Without real intimate conversations about where you’ve both been you’ll always be taken by surprise by a reaction or a comment or a decision that would seemingly come out of nowhere

While on the outside, the conversations might be about the time my boy stole a gun and asked to hide it in my apartment or when my girl stiffed me for cash and that’s why I don’t do business with friends, the stories are of our life experiences but the overall theme is an exchange and comparison of our value systems and morals. That’s the purpose of these negotiating conversations. It’s important to share what you have learned in life thus far. It gives you a measure of where you both are in your life’s journey and shows you what lessons the other will be bringing to you. You’re opening yourself for inspection. This is definitely not a process for the mega private, the intimacy coward or the weak hearted person.

The opportunities to share parts of your life that can explain why you are the way you are, is endless. It gives the other person an opportunity to see you in ways that without those kinds of conversations it would take years to show yourself from just actions alone. Dr. Phil always says “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior” and being able to talk about your past behavior and own up to your mistakes shows growth and maturity. I appreciate our conversations. They are honest and raw, painful at times but refreshing at the end that someone listened, someone understood.  In the end it says I accept you as you present yourself to me today.

 The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior

 Don’t fall in love with someone’s potential. That’s a lesson I learned early in life. If what you see is what you get, can you be happy with it for the rest of your life? My man asked me the hard questions very early in the relationship. I’ve never been probed the way he picked my brain. It’s refreshing to know a man who is interested in this level of conversation since most guys like keeping things superficial for a very long time (which is a clear sign that progress in that relationship will probably be none).  My man asked would I be ok if he never left the job he was at now. What if he never found what he is destined to do in life? My only response was, as long as you are happy with your own life, then I will be happy for you.

 If what you see is what you get, can you be happy with it for the rest of your life?

You have to accept yourself first before you can feel accepted by anyone else. This is the lesson I learned from our exchanges. After the first date, it’s no longer about putting your best foot forward,  it’s about having the courage to be real, letting your flaws hang out and being  yourself. My man does this so well and I love it. It’s the reason why I trust him. It’s the reason why I feel the need to protect him, and care for him and love him. No, he isn’t perfect, but he knows that and that’s what makes him so perfect for me. He’s real.

Dating A Daddy

One of my first rules to go out the window in this latest relationship was dating a man with children.  It’s not that I don’t like kids; it’s just having to readily accept the place of number two from jump.  To know that you can always be trumped by the child or the child’s mother is an unsettling feeling.  To know that I have to consider more than just my man when I’m making plans and thinking things through is a process that any woman in this position has to consider carefully. Is not holding the trump card in your relationship something you can live with? Can you live according to the whims of his earlier life? Of course you want to set boundaries and rules but when it comes to kids all bets are off. You do what you have to do to provide for them even if it means meeting your partners’ needs later.

Is not holding the trump card in your relationship something you can live with?

There are positives with dating a daddy though. I get to see the nurturing side of him that I otherwise would not see if his children weren’t around. The way a man cares for and loves his children is not the same way he loves a partner or another person. My man is fiercely protective, playful, stern, demanding but sensitive with his children.  They are his kryptonite and can fold him into pieces in ways I can only imagine doing with all my womanly powers. They are his blood and really the only ones that matter to him at the end of the day. Relationships come and go; your children are your life.

They are his kryptonite and can fold him into pieces in ways I can only imagine doing with all my womanly powers

The con in this situation is that since I have yet to experience the joys of motherhood, I know that should I become pregnant by this man, it would only add to his existing pressures of taking care of the two he already has. My child will be the burden, the unwanted one. Because he already knows the hardships raising children brings. I’m unable to give him a new experience. Aside from the fact that a new child in and of itself would be a new experience in any regard, the wonder and newness of never having raised a baby into a full-grown adult would be my burden to carry alone, because his already begun years before I entered the picture.

The wonder and newness of never having raised a baby into a full-grown adult would be my burden to carry alone, because his already begun years before I entered the picture.

We have a great time when the kids are here. We go places, do things and experience the world like we’re doing it for the first time. They bring dimension into our relationship that is rewarding. For me, I never would have thought that I could have so much fun having someone else’s kids around. The life they bring into an otherwise tranquil house keeps us all on our toes. Exhausting, for sure, but rewarding nevertheless. I have my own little one who I am raising, my niece. She’s a budding teenager and comes with a whole different set of instructions; she adds just as much color to our lives than if we were here by ourselves. So while I still consider myself as someone who has never had children of my own, I do have plenty of experience raising kids throughout my life, just none of them came from me which automatically puts me last on the list of importance when it comes to this relationship.  Sometimes this feeling persists, but it goes away and gives me a break every so often.

Dads are so much more thoughtful and sensitive than men with no kids. They are mentally pre-occupied by nature, at least the ones that really care about their children. They nurture and love with a depth that only a daddy can, because it takes just a flash of something the kids did to remind him how short life is and how important it is that he becomes the man he wants to be for them.  Treating others the way he wants people to treat his kids become important. The mindfulness, the worry, the guilt and happiness makes up a daddy in love, mine is no exception. Patience is the only gift I can truly ever give him from my heart.

The Unlikely Becomes the Only

During the course of this relationship, my mind pored over dozens of rules I created for myself throughout my life about relationships. Rules about the kind of person I will date, how I’d like him to look, what kind of work he does and the experiences I’d like him to come with. He had to have dreams and ambition, no kids, a direction in life and be willing to grow, love and learn life with me.  But what happens when the person you fall in love with is none of these except for the one quality that matters? He wants to love me, learn me and live life with me.

I learned that you can’t control another person, therefore the person you can truly fall in love with may not have the qualities you thought would be suitable for you. Your soul mate is probably the opposite of who you’ve been dating. It’s the reason most relationships don’t work, because we put so much emphasis on external factors and desired qualities in a partner that we overlook the fundamental things WE need in OUR lives to qualify a mate. Don’t get me wrong, most people want eye candy, hot bodies, intellect, humor and all the goodies, yes I know. But what are we really using to create these lists of desired qualities? Who’s influencing our wish list? The media? Our past? Our circumstances?

The person you can truly fall in love with may not have the qualities you thought would be suitable for you

This realization was a total mind fuck. It seemed unlikely that the person I know has my back, makes me stand up straight and take notice and on a daily basis keeps my mind active and my soul feeling safe was this person I knew long ago. I took the proverbial ‘exhale’ all women wait lifetimes for. Even if you don’t know you’re waiting for it, you are. It’s that moment when you feel you can finally slow down the hustle because someone stepped in and took a load off. Someone looked you in the eye and said “I got you” and you believed it. That someone for me came in the form of a Doorman.

Even if you don’t know you’re waiting for it, you are

I dated the executive, the professional, the politician and performers, on top of casual hangouts with what women would consider great catches (based on income, profession, connections or all three). I’ve interacted in many circles where I’ve met glitz, glam and heartbreak.  What woman would say I want to marry a shoemaker or a substitute teacher? Or that the man of her dreams will be the one who cleans sludge from the sewers or hangs billboard signs part-time for a living. Who says I want someone who’s not the breadwinner or a man who might need extra help because he’s not all pulled together in a perfect package tied with a bow. Who says that? No one, but there are so many great men who would fall into this category and it doesn’t take away from the love and respect you feel for this person.  Ok you need to adjust a few things, but in matters of the heart, perfection comes with time and practice.

In matters of the heart, perfection comes with time and practice

 

My lesson learned is to keep an open mind when sizing up a potential mate. The outer package sometimes have very little to do with what’s inside.  The attraction mutually draws us close, but the unwrapping of the gift takes time, sometimes months, sometimes more. When the script in our head ends, when the fantasy stops, when the tapes of relationship past stop playing out in our actions then we can truly see what we are working with and if what we have is truly worth taking seriously.

Love All Consuming

Here I am again, months later from my last post. Every day I tell myself I have to write more because I love it. I enjoy letting the thoughts flow in my head, I love the emotional connection I feel when I’m expressing myself through the written word. Its spiritual experience, but lately I’ve been experiencing something of a spiritual catharsis here in my private world. Although its more change than I’d care to experience in any given point, it’s something that is helping me grow into the person I know I am. I know I’m rambling and I promise to have a point, but before I indulge you with the nasty details of my inner world, I have to bring you up to date.

The last time I gave you a brief re-cap of finding my fiancée on Facebook after losing touch for 13 years. Our relationship is strong with occasional hiccups here and there.  We are incredibly compatible in our temperaments, ideas about love, family and life (very general I know, but it’s so many areas where we’re agreeable I can’t cover them all). We don’t even object to hanging out together for a big chunk of time, inside or outside the house. It feels like a warm cocoon. It has its payoffs but with it comes huge sacrifices.

Now, it doesn’t stop there. We definitely have our differences and it ain’t pretty, but it’s there. Our outlook on living life, new experiences, taking risks and a sense of adventure is three football fields apart from each other. While he is a homebody and not much of a risk taker, I tend to switch between homebody and outdoorsy. We balance ourselves out though by indulging in each other’s recreation every once in a while. I enjoy doing new things, but I long discovered that a partner isn’t your partner for all things. Individual space is a basic need if you’re going in for the long haul.

Some of us hopeless romantics (myself included) may view giving space as a threat. It’s not that I’m insecure, it’s just that when I get used to a level of comfort, I tend to want to stay there. Sometimes the good feelings wear off and I go about my business, and sometimes I’ll smolder with loving feelings and want to share them in my closeness, affection, words, expressions and actions. This I understand can feel smothering if taken in large doses. So I’ve learned to turn it down a few notches and learn about proper timing.

So the entries following this one will be a recap of 2011 in love as I can recall it. I’ll bring you up to present day and we’ll carry on the journey from there. This is partly a re-commitment to myself for writing more consistently and in exchange for your open yet inquisitive mind I’ll let you in on the secret world of my love life. Along these lines, there’s so much we can learn from people’s relationship experiences that can help us enhance ours which is why I’m willing to share mine. I sure as hell peered into the dealings of others and it has helped and taught me a lot. Hopefully, these stories can help those possibly going through a situation or simply enjoy learning and sharing love  life and relationship experiences as it happens. Until next time….

Facebook Found My Fiancee

So, It’s been a while since I’ve posted up a piece, but it’s because I’ve been living my life more and documenting less. However, it’s about time I update where things are on the love front. Last March (2010) I found my long lost friend on Facebook. We met when I was 16, he was 17 at a high school job we both worked at. We never really dated, but had such an attraction to one another. Circumstances had it that we parted ways and had our life experiences.

Now 13 years later, between us both in our separate lives we survived failed long term relationships, military life, family deaths, children, unemployment, adoption, family drama and more. So needless to say what we have brought into the relationship when we friended each other on Facebook was more than one canbargin for. But we were both up front about our situation.

We had hours of late nite phone calls, disclosures and laughs. We went out and took a vacation to South Beach to unwind and shake loose. In such a short span of time, we’re now living together and to make a long story short we got engaged December 2010. A whirlwind of a year 2010 was, yes, it sure was. Now it’s time for maintenance.

Our date is set for a Summer 2012 wedding, I’m excited and a bit nervous about the expectations and changes we’re both going through. I will get into the details of us at a later entry, but I’ll just say he is like no other man I know. I truly feel blessed to have this man in my life because he makes me want to be better for him, for us and for myself.One thing I know for sure is that this relationship will help me look at myself and life in a way I’ve never seen before. I’m looking forward to it, but am also a bit anxious of what’s coming – but I welcome the growth, changes and love!

Stay tuned for more insight straight from the love front!

Ghost of Boyfriends past

Is rekindling past love wise?

 

 So what does it mean when guys you’ve dated come back into your life? Thanks to sites like Facebook I’ve gotten re-acquainted with my past friends going all the way back to elementary school. it’s pretty funny yet cool to see folks you’ve known since you were five. All of a sudden its twenty-six years later, and even though they are adults, they bring you back to the little person you were when you met them. You can suddenly recall with clarity the fun things you used to do, games you played and situations that were turning points in your little world. It’s a bizarre experience but it also helps to show where you’ve been in life and how you’ve grown into the person you are now.    

Recently, I’ve been bombarded with men from my past who’ve found me on Facebook. Yikes! The first question is: To friend or not to Friend? Because let’s face it, we lost touch for a reason didn’t we? But there were a few that fell out of touch due to life circumstances that I was really happy to get back in touch with. Now in my Thirties, knowing what I want for my life and being the empowered woman I’ve become, its great to get in touch with someone who knows me – well who knew me. Having “history” with a person has to count for something, doesn’t it?    

I’ve had a few encounters of men that I had no idea was bitter from how I left them or did not care to persue a relationship in my teens. Those were the weirdos. Then there were those that kind of got stuck in the past and wanted to recall every little thing that transpired between us like it was yesterday – then picked up from where we left off! Those are the ones that got blocked. And finally the ones that grew up and are men now. Some with children (none with wives…hmm), working, making a decent living and just as happy and excited to get back in touch with me as I with them. sharing good memories but not stuck in the past. We acknowledge that we were once friends and now as adults would like to get to know each other once again. A lot can change over time. Life has a way of directing the way a person grows, experiences and situations can really change one’s outlook on life. So I’m open to talking to these old flames again. It’s great to hear how I was in my teens years as they experienced me. Feedback about how you’ve changed a person is never unuseful. It can sometimes painful, sometimes flattering and can even show you things that even now you may have not known about who you were in the past or are now.    

This kind of relationship flow is consistent with my single life. It’s marked with very slow periods where if I’m lucky I have one person who I can hang out with at least once a month or a flood of men whose given a number (unbeknownst to them) on my rotation list. Good weather is here and the men are coming out of their caves and into my appointment book! Happy days are here again! so this feels like it will be a great summer.    

I’m continuing to do me, I hope you are doing you. Let’s make this summer a fabulous one this year!  Stay tuned.

New York City is not a relationship city

When you go on vacation to other sities outside of NYC, look around at the locals and its not uncommon to see couples everywhere. When you look around in NYC you see groups of friends, working people and tourists. Sure we see families, most who are from somewhere outside of New York City and some who are even from the city, but for the most part, NYC is not conducive to building and maintaining long lasting relationships. Our thinking is schizophrenic and cut down to 140 characters at a time. It would be interesting to see how many New Yorkers get married in comparison to other metropolitan areas in the US. Is it a city thing that keeps people from tying the knot or is it the pull of a 24 hr city that offers so many options that us city dwellers get stuck in a paralysis that doesn’t allow us to settle down with one person. We’ve been convinced that somehow someone better will come along and make us happier, more productive, more passionate, more more more. Are we not enough for ourselves that we are looking for more in others? In a city that has alot of everything, what does it take for a New Yorker to get married?

Twisted Gender

We all know that nowadays relationships aren’t what they used to be. Gender roles are all screwed up. Seems as though men have become more passive aggressive tinkering on the edge of wuss-like behavioral habits. Like, waiting on the woman to initiate conversation just to feel assured that interest exists, or waiting for the woman to call for dates or letting the women initiate the first sexual encounter, relying on women to pay all bills, manage household finances, bring home the bacon, fry it up, serve it and ok…deep breath (Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō…sigh). Gone are the days of bold approach, commanding yet respectful dominance, honorable moral standards and a reliable support of wife and family. Or maybe I just dreamt that this used to exist.

Women are adopting a more masculine, ego centric, philandering, take charge, no vulnerability-no feeling approach to love and sex. The soft, feminine, emotional sweetie pie side of women has been bound, gagged and stuffed way inside the complex world of multiple personalities so common in the modern day women. Partly, due to the multitude of roles women are required to play daily to get by.

I’m stuck in the middle myself. I can hook ‘em and reel ‘em in, talk to them and stroke an ego here and there to give indication that Yes, I like you. Yes, I want to know you better. Yes, I am interested, now your turn to communicate interest and move things along; I mean, there’s nothing wrong with taking the direct approach, but I’m sure women will agree that its flattering to be pursued too. It’s too bad that subletly fails to provide accurate clues to the opposite sex anymore. Hell, even direct communication sometimes result in a barrage of miscommunication. Common sense would say “He’s just not into me”. Yet he says, Of course I want to see you again, I was just waiting for you to say something. The ball is in your court. It’s up to you. Whatever you want. I’m here to please you.  ARGH!

I guess for the bossy, demanding woman this scenario would be a goldmine, but for me, the balance of power, give and take kind of lady, I want a man who is not afraid to take charge every now and again, one who can read social cues and know when to let go. Is this really too much to ask? Someone who cares enough to work towards understanding me and I him. Am I being sappy by wanting this? unrealistic? a wuss? I can’t respect a man I can control all of the time. I want a living, breathing, thinking human male with testosterone flowing in his blood that can fix things, build stuff, work hard and play harder shamelessly with me and the kids. There are too many Mr. Softees lurking around with false confidence, misplaced aggression, closet mysoginist or mommy lovers waiting to be dominated and breastfed. I’ve retired my desire for whips, latex and spikes in relationships. Where are the men, confident protectors of women. Where are the women, witty, nuturing and demure that will accept them. Maybe if we allow the men of yesteryear to come back, they’ll bring their toolbox over on date night and start repairing what we both had a hand in damaging. True Love.